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It was partly out of curiosity, but also largely my attempt to take my mind off her." He was attracted to my fears about losing my independence. You think this is a site for sex in motels, private and dirty with condom wrappers in the folds of the sheets.

Ashley Madison's president, Noel Biderman, certainly does. "They're saying, 'I want a type of intimacy my partner's not giving me,'" he says.

It was wild, he says, and then puts his hand on my leg. is 32, tall and slim, and has been married for two years. There are plenty of men like B., who says he is happily married when what he really means is he is complacently bored. "Either way," he says, "it's driving me crazy."What's terrible is that H. The woman he is thinking of cheating on is still only his fiancée.

He's been with his wife since they were just out of college. I remove his hand from my leg; I tell him he doesn't look like a father. He says he did not marry the wrong woman, that he'd want to stray no matter who he was with. In one of his emails, he says he can't write too much, but there are 800 words, and pictures of him and his children. He says she's as close to perfect as any man could hope for, but it's clear he's conflicted.

B., who is kind and polite and describes himself as honest despite what he's doing at this very moment, says his wife isn't the nosy kind. I know a lot of women who do, but my wife really trusts me." Like the other men, he's afraid of getting caught but, similarly, says he feels no guilt. He calls me by my fake name, and I call him by his. You may get to know a deep tumor of the married man's soul, but you won't know his real name.) He looks exactly as he does in his pictures: dark-haired and big-chinned, vaguely politician-ish. He lives in a big city now but grew up in a small town where he married young. His wife is not intellectual enough, he says, but he will be with her for life.

As such, this relationship — the one with me — is a village in a different country, on another planet. He didn't realize when he married her that a little under a decade later he would be bored.

Dammit, dammit, dammit."All of the men tell me that their wives would never guess they are doing this. "I've never been caught." This one has had affairs before.

He has gone home to his wife after renting a room and having sex there with another woman. is in his mid-30s and works in finance, though he wanted to be a scientist. The screen on his phone is taken up by an image of his baby daughter; he moves it aside with his thumb and forefinger to search for a book I tell him he would like. has trouble with eye contact, so he says to his water, "You're beautiful."He has never eaten caviar, so we order a flight.

To get started, I create a profile with a fake name and a dark picture of myself and chart a plan. Then I'll meet a few of them for a drink, but there will be no drunkenness. I say I'm scared to live the rest of my life with unexplored desire. But my jaw hits the ground anyway when I realize whom I'm looking at. One man takes a picture in front of his 1987 Camaro, parked outside of a diner.For my own safety, I won't reveal what I'm really doing. In my profile, I say that I'm married, because in addition to avoiding escorts, many of the men on the site don't want the complications of seeing a single woman. The rest of what I say is mostly true, and to weed out the more aggressive guys, my tone comes off as exploratory, not sexual. One man has his arm across the shoulders of a young Jon Bon Jovi. He wants to meet; he doesn't know I ran into him just last week. The more careful among them don't post pictures directly to the site, but they send a key that grants me access to a "private showcase" of images.But most have taken their pictures recently and surreptitiously.

In their bathrooms with their i Phones held up to the mirror, their faces partially obscured, their wives' J'adore behind them, on top of the toilet.In between his kid's soccer game and a pizza party, B.* sends a picture of himself on a golf course.